Ichigo Kurosaki, bakery boy genius
by hime the stars shine bright
Summary: The bakery Inoue works at is having an open house, and one little bet between Uryu and Ichigo goes too far, and well... the crazy manager is out for their blood. And of course it's never complete without the camera! Slight ichiruki and ishihime. Crack.


The scene starts with Renji's face, in the background is grassy area with some trees. He is frowning and looking at the camera, and the scene shakes awkwardly as he fiddles with it.

Ichigo's voice is heard somewhere, "Is it on?"

Renji looks away, "I think so."

"Gimme that, dumbass." The scene shakes violently as Ichigo snatches the camera away, "Yeah, it's on. (Renji: Told you!) Shut up! Okay, hi. I'm Ichigo Kurosaki and the freak over here is Renji-"

Renji interupts (to camera), "That's me! I'm Renji. He's talking about me."

Ichigo rolls his eyes, "No shit. Why are we doing this anyways?"

"Doing what?"

"Recording this. It's crap, nobody's gonna watch it."

Renji shrugs, "Who cares? (moves arm awkwardly) I'll say it once and I'll say it again, this gigai is really uncomfortable. Can't I just get out of it?"

"Moron, if you do, you won't show up on camera."

"Oh. (to camera) Anyways... where are we?"

"Guess." Ichigo is bored.

Renji guesses, "Who did you kill? We're probably attending their funeral."

"Shut up, dumbass. Remember the bakery?"

"Oh yeah! (grins) Here we are at this lovely bakery..." Renji points as Ichigo turns the camera around slowly to show the scenery. A small, pink colored bakery comes into view, "Aww, isn't it cute?"

"So fucking cute, I could cry. Here, I need a tissue." Ichigo hands the camera to Renji and fake-cries into a tissue he got from his pocket, "Waaaaah. Ok, I'm good."

"Wow. Why are we here, again?"

"Because Inoue invited us here." Ichigo runs a hand through his hair, "So she works here and the bakery is having an open house, for some reason... she asked all of us to come, today."

" 'Us' meaning?"

"Me, you, Ishida, Chad, Rukia..." Ichigo blinks, "Tatsuki, I think..."

"Alright. But why are we here?"

"Cause Inoue invited us. I just said that, stupid."

"So you actually came and dragged me here, too?" Renji's voice is annoyed, "What business do we have a pink colored bakery?"

"How should I know? We'll see when we go in there."

"IF we go in there." Renji looks at his phone, "What about hollows?"

"I don't know. Maybe the Afro guy will take care of it?" Ichigo guesses.

"Pfft, that loser is probably still asleep right now. Here, take it." Renji hands the camera to Ichigo and begins to climb a tree.

Ichigo takes the camera and focuses it on Renji, "What are you doing?"

"What's it look like? I'm climbing, stupido." Renji climbs higher.

"I mean why, shithead."

"Oh," Renji smiles smartly, "I think this gigai is like a shoe- it needs to be broken into. Which means doing strenuous activities!"

"Including tree climbing? Get down, you look like a five year old."

"No, shut up. I'm going higher." Renji keeps climbing.

"The tree's going to fall over from your weight." Ichigo states matter-of-factly. Renji glares at from from his place on a tree branch.

"You're calling me fat?"

Ichigo snickers, "Did I hit a sensitive issue?"

Renji rolls his eyes as he stands on the branch and jumps from it, to another one. He grabs the branch with both arms and swings himself back and forth. "I predict you getting a black eye once I get down."

Ichigo says to the camera, "Freakin' monkey. I predict Renji needing help in the future." and turns the camera back to Renji, who is now turning in circles swinging on the branch.

Renji exclaims, "Weeeeee!"

"Stop that! You look crazy."

"You're just jealous!"

Ichigo snickers, "Of what, your nonexistent eyebrows?"

"HEY!" Renji jumps down, landing right in front of Ichigo, "I DO have eyebrows! What do these look like to you? (points at his eyebrows)"

Ichigo glares, "Tattoos, fucktard. Open your eyes."

"If these don't look like eyebrows to you, then YOU need to open YOUR eyes!" Renji says yells back rather dramatically.

...

The camera cuts to Ichigo, who is frowning, obviously annoyed. Rukia and the others come up to them.

"Hey." Rukia waves slightly, "I thought you guys weren't coming."

"Yeah well, here we are." Ichigo looks around, "What are we supposed to do?"

"Look around. Buy something. Get a job. Hey, why do you have a camera?"

Renji answers, "We're filming this."

"Why?"

"So that ten years from now, when you and this dumbass (shoves Ichigo) are married and have little orange haired shits running around, I can show this to them and they'll see how much of a moron their dad is." Renji grins.

Ichigo yells, not even bothering to deny that he will be married to Rukia, "The only moron here is you, fucktard! Who was swinging on a tree like an animal five seconds ago?"

Uryu pushes his glasses up on his nose, "Sensitive, are we Kurosaki?"

"Shut up, foureyes." Ichigo growls and then, just to get on Uryu's nerves, "For the record, Inoue likes me better."

Uryu actually looks kind of hurt. "That's not true."

"I bet it is."

"Helloooo, everyone!" Orihime pops out of nowhere, smiling brightly. She has her work uniform on, "I'm so glad everyone came!"

Rukia smiles, "Hey, Inoue."

Chad nods, "Mm."

Renji focuses on Orihime, "Hey Inoue! You look nice in your uniform."

"Thank you!"

Renji smiles, feeling that he is talking to someone normal for once, "Hey, say something for the camera."

Orihime waves, "Hi!"

Renji says, "Something other then hi!"

In the background, Ichigo's and Uryu's yelling is heard.

"Girls don't like you better, girls are SCARED of you, moron!"

"Ha! Can't say anything better for you! At least I can take down a hollow without taping someone _else's_ zanpakuto to my head!"

"Shut up! I'm perfectly capable of taking down hollows! And Inoue-san likes_ me _better!"

"Yeah? Well Rukia likes ME better!"

"Yeah?" Uryu grins evilly, a good idea has formed in his Quincy brain, "Well, I bet you couldn't tolerate working here for a day, Kurosaki."

Ichigo yells back rather dramatically, "You wanna bet?"

"Yes."

"Fine!" Ichigo shoves past Chad and Renji, "Inoue, I'm gonna work here today!"

Orihime blinks, "Ah, but Kurosaki-kun-"

"Great!" Ichigo goes behind the counter, "Hey, who's the manager here? 'Scuse me!"

Renji is laughing hysterically, "Oh kami! Ichigo working? At a bakery? This is going to be fucking hilarious!"

Rukia yells, "Ichigo, you're going to get us kicked out! Get back here!"

Ichigo yells back, "You guys shut up. EXCUSE ME!"

Uryu says to Orihime, "Inoue-san, I think you should go home. If your manager sees that you associate with Kurosaki, you might get into trouble, or even lose your job."

Orihime blinks, "...Really?"

Renji follows Rukia, who is going after Ichigo, "Oh man, this is gonna be _sweet_!"

"Renji, put that camera away!" Rukia orders, glaring at the camera before turning back around and screeching, "ICHIGOOOO!"

"Yes, mother." Renji says in sarcastic tone. The camera goes black.

...

The scene cuts to the bakery, again. In the kitchen, Ichigo's back is seen, he is doing something.

The camera zooms in on Ichigo a little bit, "Hey, Ichigo!"

Ichigo does not turn around, but stays like a statue, "Shut up. Go home."

"No." Renji chuckles softly, "Explain what you're doing."

Ichigo turns very slowly, it is revealed that he is wearing an aqua-blue colored vest with a matching hat and tie. Ichigo grins at the camera, "I'm working at a bakery."

Renji starts laughing, "Ichigo working! What a joke! If only Kuchiki-taicho could see this... wait, he can!"

"Shut up!" Ichigo yells, "Byakuya will never see this footage, ever!"

"Why, afraid he won't give his sister's hand in marriage to a baker boy?" Renji smirks, "Aww look, your wearing a neat vest and even a tie. Our little boy's all grown up. (sniff)"

"Shut the fuck up." Ichigo turns back around, "Look, the manager of this place is a moron. He put me on kitchen duty."

Renji decides,"Cool, I wanna help."

"You wanna help?" Ichigo stares at him, eyes wide in horror.

Renji nods.

Ichigo turns back around, "Then don't do anything. It's what you're best at."

"Fuck off, I can boil water! Do you need any boiled water?"

"No. Everytime you boil water, it comes out orange."

"Bullshit!...How about 2 minute ramen? Everyone loves ramen and I know how to use a microwave."

"No. If you're going to stay... just don't touch anything. I have to win this bet."

Ichigo starts to chop onions, neatly and quickly like a professional on tv, and Renji gets annoyed by his pwnsomeness in cullinary skills.

"You think you're so cool chopping those onions really fast? I bet I could do better!" Renji challenges.

"Oh yeah? Let's see you try, prick." Ichigo drops the knife and tilts his chin towards Renji.

"Fine!" Renji shoves the camera at Ichigo.

Ichigo focuses the camera on Renji, who picks up the knife that Ichigo was using to chop before, and takes a small breath...

"AAAHHHHH!" Renji snaps, chopping random slices into the onion, so it looks demented.

Ichigo yells, "Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? Gimme that!" he puts the camera on the counter and wrestles the knife out of Renji's grip before shoving him backwards, which is all caught on camera.

Renji recovers quickly from the stumble and grins matter of factly, "Told you I could do a better job."

"A better job! The onion looks diseased, idiot!"

"Don't insult my cullinary skills!" Renji yells, "You think you're so cool, with your orange hair?"

"Shut the fuck up!" Ichigo shoves the camera at Renji, who takes it reluctantly, "And get the hell out, now!"

"But it was just getting good!"

...

The camera cuts to Ichigo, who has a grumpy expression as he stands at the front counter in the cafe.

"Hey, Ichigo," Renji comes up to the counter, "I thought you were working in the kitchen?"

Ichigo glares, "I was, asshole, until you came in and fucking destroyed an onion. I got demoted to working at the front counter. And he doesn't call me Ichigo, anymore. Just Kurosaki."

"Boo. Stop acting like a whore." Renji grins, "Where is this epic boss of yours?"

Ichigo shrugs, "Who cares? Guy's on freaking crack, anyways. Get the hell out."

"No, I'm going to tape you HELPING someone!" Renji laughs and goes to a corner of the cafe, where he sits as a customer comes in.

That's when they see that the customer is Uryu himself.

Ichigo says indignantly, "What the hell are you doing here?"

Uryu pushes his glasses up on the bridge of his nose smartly, "That's no way to speak to a customer, Kurosaki."

Ichigo glares.

Uryu says, "Nice outfit."

"Shut the fuck up."

Uryu demands, "Don't tell me what to do, you're the servant and I'm the customer. Now, take my order. And start over."

Renji snickers softly, (to camera) "This is gonna be good." and focuses the camera on Ichigo.

"Hello, can I help you?" Ichigo says in a polite tone.

Renji to the camera, "What a laugh. Ichigo wants to help."

Uryu grins, "That's better. I'll have-"

"SHUT UP!" Ichigo screams, "You ll have what I give you without a fuss, got it!" he leaves.

"Excuse me? What kind of bullshit is this? Come back here, you punk!" Uryu yells at Ichigo, who has gone inside the kitchen.

Ichigo comes back, "I'm giving you this slice of cheese I dropped on the floor. (holds up paper with dirty slice of cheese) That'll be 50 bucks. Since your so fucking rich, you can afford that right?"

Uryu yells, "That's how you treat a customer? No wonder the Unagiya lady hates you! I'm shocked she hasn't fired you yet!"

Renji chirps, "Actually, I am too!"

Ichigo ignores Renji, "I don't care, bitch! Pay up!"

"Hell no! I actually work for my money, I'm not wasting it on a slice of dirty cheese!"

Ichigo counters, "Your story is very touching. I don't give a fuck! 60 dollars!"

"You're insane. This is the worst service ever. Where's the manager? I'm going to talk to him." Uryu looks around with evil intentions.

"Like fuck you are! I'm not getting fired!" Ichigo yells back.

_Ridin' along with Barbie  
Goin' to a party  
Gonna be with friends,  
Together till the end  
Wind hitting my face,  
Gonna quicken the pace  
Havin' fun with Barbie,  
The best way to make a girl happy_

Ichigo glances at his phone and screams, "Who changed my fucking ringtone again?"

Uryu grins, "Barbie? I'm shocked, that's low, even for you, Kurosaki..."

"Like hell it is, bitch! (answers phone) Hello?...Oh, Rukia. Yeah?...What do you mean, "Am I fired yet?" no, I'm not!"

Renji exclaims, "It's Rukia? Lemme talk! (snatches phone) Rukia, Ichigo's wearing a vest, tie and a hat! It's so queer, you gotta come see!"

"Fucktard!" Ichigo yells, jumping over the counter and tackling Renji. The camera falls out of Renji's grip and onto the ground, and the screen goes black.

...

The camera starts with the bakery, again. Ichigo is standing at the counter, looking bored, when the doors open and Rukia comes in, along with Keigo and Chad.

"Hey."

Ichigo looks up, "Hey, Rukia, Chad. What's up?"

Keigo cries, "Hey what about me?"

Ichigo ignores him.

Rukia answers, "I just wanted to check and make sure you didn't kill anyone yet- Renji, put that knife down this instant!"

Ichigo turns around and sees that Renji is gripping the knife again, grinning evilly.

Ichigo says, "Retard, give me the knife or I'll go bankai on your ass!"

Renji happily ignores him, "Guys, watch me chop onions!" He throws onions on the floor and is about to chop them, but Ichigo shoves him, causing the camera to fall yet again and go black.

...

The camera starts with Ichigo, who is getting yelled at by the manager.

"YOU HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN HERE FOR A DAY, AND LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE? INSULTING MY CUSTOMERS! RUINING MY PRODUCE!" The manager roars. "YOU'RE FIRED!"

Ichigo is pissed, "What? I'm the best employee you've ever had, admit it!"

"You're fucked up the head! Inoue is 100 times better then you are!" the manager pauses, "...AND she can cut onions normally!"

"Fuck off!"

Ichigo beats the crap out of the manager in 2 minutes flat, and right after, Renji and Uryu come in. Uryu gets a shocked face and Renji just pouts.

"You know, you could've waited until we came with the camera, you know."

Ichigo has his foot on the manager's back, as he is on the floor, and shrugs, "I can do it again, if you want."

"Go on, then."

Ichigo looks at the camera, "I just beat up this pathetic excuse for a boss, and now I have to do it again, because freaking Dodo and Didi here are slow and irresponsible."

Renji simply ignores his comment, but Uryu is angry, "I'm not the one who needs some serious anger management classes !"

"I don't need anger management classes!" Ichigo yells.

"Yes, you do! You got fired and you beat the hell out of your boss! Don't you know how much trouble you could get in?"

Ichigo grins, "I won't, see? I have my file!" (holds up file with his resume and paperwork)

"Oh, your just SO smart, Kurosaki."

"I know. I was born this way."

Rukia comes in and gasps at the scene, "What the hell is going on!"

Ichigo chirps, "Rukia, look! That cake is as tall as you are!" (points to cake in display window)

Rukia punches him in the gut for the comment, "I asked, what's going on, you moron!"

Renji is laughing, "Oh god, that's hilarious!"

Ichigo ignores Rukia, and answers Renji, "I know, I'm going to slice it."

"How?"

"With Zangetsu!"

"Hell no, Ichigo!" Rukia yells.

Just then, the manager stands up, growling like a rabid dog.

It gets kind of quiet, except for Renji, who says, "...Fuck."

...

The four are seen sitting outside, back at the grassy area with trees.

Ichigo says, "I thought I was gonna die, like seriously."

Renji sighs, "Thanks, Rukia. If you hadn't saved us, Ichigo's demon boss would've killed us. I don't even get how Inoue can deal with someone like that... (suddenly smiles) Hey, maybe we should go visit Ichigo's real workplace!"

"Hell no!"

"But he's right, Kurosaki." Uryu glares at him, "We got out only because of Kuchiki-san."

Ichigo says, suddenly shy, to Rukia, "I guess I owe you one?"

"You owe me a relationship, _tawake_."

"I can do that!"

"Wow, Ichigo can do something!" Renji exclaims.

Ichigo fake laughs, "Ha ha ha ha ha ha, oh ho ho, aha ha. You're so fucking hilarious, Renji. You're killing me."

"I know, I can tell, idiot."

Ichigo looks up at the sky, "Well, there's only one thing left to do."

Uryu asks, "What?"

"I still want to slice that cake in the display window."

Rukia says, "If you're going to go out and do something stupid, I'm not coming."

Ichigo assures her, "Don't worry Rukia, I'm a tough person... besides, I'm going to use Zangetsu!"

Uryu says, "Kurosaki, no! Haven't you disrupted the peace enough?"

Rukia sighs and shakes her head at the question. "Apparently not."

Ichigo says to Uryu, "Shut up, loser. Renji, let's go!"

Renji demands, "Don't order me around!" but follows anyway.

...

Ichigo is seen standing in the bakery shop again. Since he is a shinigami, he is in his shikahusho and everything, and the manager cannot see him.

Ichigo slips in between the wall standing directly behind the display window, and waves to Renji, who is taping from outside.

Ichigo reaches up over his shoulder and grabs Zangetsu's handle, pulling it out in front of him, and grins happily.

"GETSUGA TENSHO!" He yells loudly, and the entire shop seems to be aglow with his insane reiatsu.

Zangetsu's only thought it, 'CAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!'

Cake goes flying everywhere, and Ichigo fazes right through the wall so he is standing outside again. Renji runs to the side as the manager comes to the front window, freaking out because a cake just randomly exploded.

Ichigo goes back to the side of the shop, where Renji is standing and laughing, and gets back into his body.

"Fucking hilarious!" Renji laughs again.

"I feel complete." Ichigo is satisfied, "Let's get out of here before he finds us or-"

"HEY, YOU TWO!" The manager is seen standing outside looking super pissed, "GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!"

"Oh shit!" Renji and Ichigo run madly away from the insane manager, who chases after them.


End file.
